I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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