"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
