i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
