So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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