I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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