his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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