FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
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