my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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