Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
