Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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