You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
