Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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