what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
