i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
