Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
