im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
