I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
