I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
