this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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