Fine. I'll sleep in my office
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
