I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
