i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
