yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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