i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
