The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
