in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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