Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
