My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
