Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
