whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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