You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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