I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
