So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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