why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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