My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
