You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
