Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
