my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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