My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
