Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
