my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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