i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
