Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Sober January is a disaster.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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