my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
