if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
