"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
