Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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