If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Terrible idea I love it
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
