You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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