She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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