Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
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