I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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