so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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