you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
