Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
