I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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