so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
NoShamevember. You game?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
