Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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