i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
there is puke in my bra ... again
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
