would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
