I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
