I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
