god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
