It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
