remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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